BIG ANGE and The WHOLy Grail

I know its been a little while since I've updated the blog but, there she is folks. That ain't no 5 dollar foot long, no Quizno's prime rib sub, no Jersey Mike's cheese steak, and especially not anything you can get at Publix or Piggly Wiggly. That's the Harris " teet " Teeter WHOLE SUB aka The WHOLy Grail. I am what Mr. Teeter calls a VIC prodigy, a VIC card ALL STAR. As you can see above is the one and only WHOLy Grail. How does one obtain this flavor bursting, protein packing, muscle gaining, chick magnet ? Oh, well Big Ange is about to let you know about the QUEST. Yes, the quest for instant satisfaction and gratification, something you always dream about. Saving money, eating healthy, looking sexy, and getting those hot CHICKS.First let me enlighten you on Harris Teeter aka The Teet. I'm hoping all the snow birds out there know what a Harris Teeter is and if you don't, let me tell you it's Heaven. The Teet as you all know offers the VIC program, you may not be a Teet prodigy like me but you can still embark on the quest. "The Quest," is for VIC ONLY, VIC offers the $2.99 half sub($3.03) including tax, oh and its $3.27 if its a hot sub. Every single day you can choose between two different subs, let me fill you in on the M-S lunch schedule("The Quest Map")

Monday: 1/2 Turkey or Pork BBQ Sub
Tuesday: 1/2 All Subs (you can pick any sub of the week) god that's great
Wednesday: 1/2 Ham Sub or Philly Cheese steak Sub
Thursday: 1/2 Club Sub or Meatball Marinara Sub(Big Ange's favorite)
Friday: 1/2 Tuna Sub or Breaded Chicken Breast Sub
Saturday: 1/2 Ham Sub or Sausage and Peppers Sub
Sunday: 1/2 Roast Beef Sub or Meatball Marinara Sub

Ok, so hopefully knowing you have your VIC Card and you now have your map, you can embark on the quest. With every 1/2 sub you purchase you get ONE VIC point. You must obtain fifteen points to get the WHOLy Grail. I get two 1/2 subs every day, so that means I really have the potential in getting the WHOLy Grail once every week. So let me fuck you up with some knowledge. That means I spend about $46.00 a week. I think the average student pays if not more at least $16.00 a day on food, that's $112.00 a week. That is more then double the amount I pay and in return I get the free WHOLE SUB. Along with the free WHOLE SUB, you get to reap all the benefits it has to offer you. You must first accomplish the quest, its not going to be that easy either. You think you can just walk right up and order a sub ? NO, NO, the Teet is a finicky beast and you must tame it, there will be many distractions, but you must stay focused on the WHOLy Grail. With every map, there is a key and I will list the KEY DISTRACTIONS you must look out for:

1. Grocery cart round up guy aka The Guards,
He is going to try and block you off at every angle. You gotta stiff arm him with your 15 points receipt in hand.

2. Free sugar cookie aka The Illusion,
You gotta stay focused, if you stare at Harry the Happy Dragon you will not walk out with the WHOLy Grail, you will walk out with two dozen sugar cookies.(god there good) but stay focused!

3. Free samples aka The Infantry,
Mr. Teet doesn't want you getting the free WHOLE SUB, he is going to do anything he can to stop you. There will be free grapefruit, free pineapple, free cheese, free bread and dip, and free cheesecake! Keep your eye on the prize, don't let temptation get you. Stay Strong

4. Check out aka Last Chance,
Be smart, don't go to the register. There will be a Babysitters Club chick right in front of you with so much food you will be there for an hour. Time is valuable, go to the self checkout, scan the WHOLy Grail and get the hell out. You won't need money, because its free!!

Now that you have the WHOLy Grail you must devour it... Oh my god is that a Grizzly with a freshly spawned Salmon in its mouth? No, that's Big Ange takin it to the house on the one and only WHOLy Grail. Don't get cocky when trying to eat this BEAST, use two hands and unbutton those slacks because things can get messy REAL fast. Like I said before, once you devour and tame the WHOLy Grail, you get to reap the benefits it has to offer you. For example:


Oh yeah, you bet that ass that's a Panthers cheerleader, and Big Ange is eatin lunch with her. THAT is one of the benefits of conquering the WHOLy Grail. You save money, eat healthy, get frickn jacked where your arms are so big you can't wear sleeves, and hook up with Carolina Panther Cheerleaders. You think you got what it takes to embark on the quest ? Are you a loser who wants to be cool? Leave those training wheels at home boys&girls and come get some. PEACE

Bluetooth

I am sure errrrrbody knows what a bluetooth is. It is the hands free cell phone thing and kinda looks like a plastic cockroach, that allows you to do about 16 different things while talking on the phone. I KNOW! so for all of you who have been on the phone and freak out to get a pen or something. The bluetooth makes it a stress free situation. Or for me while I am at the snack machine at Trident talking on the phone, wanting to break through the glass to get my daily Big Texas, because I am struggling to keep the phone between my head and shoulder. I mean it helps everybody out, from being the paranoid work-a-holic to maybe someone who just likes to have a good chit-chat while you're clipping your toe nails. I don't know about you but, the whole talking on the phone and clipping your toe nails deal seems SWEET. It also makes you look REALLY cool, but at other times maybe clinically insane. To your eyes it may look like that someone who has this super cool hands free cockroach on their ear is screaming at themselves staring at the wall. But you're sadly mistaken, that someone has a BLUETOOTH and they're not staring at that wall, they're pissing on it while talking on the phone. Yeah, I said screaming before because doesn't it seem like people who use the bluetooth are yelling at nothing? They just talk really loud. No need for explanation, you have witnessed this first hand. I don't know why they do it, just how it is I guess. Lucky for us huh? US NORMIES, us non-important people who don't have the portable cockroach.

We just enjoy the pleasure of listening to their conversation. It also may lead to misinterpreted confrontation because you thought the dude in front of you was insulting you when he yelled, "damn, you're a faggot!" So, now instead of immediately layin the woop ass on this guy I have to ask, "excuse me, do you have a bluetooth?" You may also get a misinterpreted racial slander of some sort. For instance, I was waiting in line at the gas station(long line) I finally get to the register and of course K' Shambia has a bluetooth. She is looking down, but I thought she knew I was there. I asked her," may I please have five on pump 1?" She looks up and says, " god dammit, I gotta deal with all these dam crackers!" of course she was talking about her inventory delivery from Lance Crackers, but I didn't know that. I looked around and noticed that yeah, there was a lot of white people in the gas station, but no need to hit me with a racial slur just because I want some gas. I gave her the immediate stink eye like uh uh nah you ain't just that. She of course picked up a box of crackers and then also pointed to her bluetooth and apologized.

You may also get the misinterpreted flirting from a lady, this also happened to me. I was at the grocery store, in the frozen food isle on my knees trying to reach the chicken fajitas. When someone asked me(so I thought) what I was doing tonight. I looked in the reflection of the freezer door and saw there was a hot chick standing there turned around. Then she said, "do you want to go to a party?" and I said, " yeah, yeah that sounds great," and then she said," we can hang out at my house before." So I mean come on I was about to go home and eat chicken fajitas and watch family guy. You know standard procedure. I couldn't pass this up, so I said, " yeah, that works."
She then flicks her hair around and points at her bluetooth, telling the person on the phone excuse me because the jackass I am thought she was coming on to me.

You would think that this kind of stuff happens a lot with people who use the gaytooth. I hope it isn't another advancement in technology like going from pagers to cellphones. If everybody went from using cell phones to just using the bluetooth, do you know how many people would be fighting from all the misinterpreted confrontation. Instead of getting more minutes on your plan for a two year contract, you would get a bluetooth with tazer.Now that's a deal. If I happen to be at the Citadel Mall around one of those Cell Phone Islands and they have that offer, you better believe I'm taking it. So if yall have a big ego, and always feel like you have to defend yourself you better ask that person if they have a bluetooth first. I really hope this bluetooth thing is just a phase. Ya know, everyone kinda thinks its cool at first, they sell out and then just run out of money because nobody wants them anymore. Kinda like a furgy. I hope Mark Sanford doesn't make it a law that we have to wear these things while driving. Like big Arnold did out in Cali-Forn- Ia, it will increase road rage. When it comes down to it, I think its just another social demo graph. Jocks,nerds,preps,frat,redneck,prepneck,emos, and now THE BLUETOOTHS. Let them do what they want and hopefully we can stay out the way. PEACE

R-E-C-Y-C-L-E recycle

On Saturday February 7,2009 (yesterday) I took Barkley to the beach, I really don't have to disclose the exact beach I was at. It was about 70 degrees out if you happened to step outside, clear sky's and just perfect to go walking around. I start to walk onto the beach with Barkley, take my shoes and socks off and I notice the entire beach is covered in broken glass,trash, and even full bottles. I look around and there are kids running around, dogs everywhere, but nobody seems to take the initiative to clean this polluted beach and pretend like it's not there. I know I have this Weekley Snewz to try and make people laugh and voice out my unwanted opinions on things,but somethings cant always be funny. I'm not trying to go out and change the world or anything, but I can stand by the fact that I am trying to change the way people treat Charleston beaches.

Recently I found out a guy named Cyrus Buffum moved in across the street from me on Queen and took it upon himself to be Charlestons "Waterkeeper." Which is a non-profit organization that I believe is nationwide, although he is the one to start it here and take on the responsibility. I don't know to much about it, but you can kind of get the gist of things from his title. HE CLEANS UP OUR WATERWAYS. Please visit his website to get a more intelligent and informative view on what exactly he is doing(www.waterkeeper.org) I first heard about it and pretty much was like psh, good luck buddy. But not now, not after what I witnessed and cleaned up for 2 1/2 hours when I thought I was going to enjoy the day. Charleston is surrounded by barrier islands that give us beautiful beaches where we can do those leisurely activities that we think about all winter long. I don't care if you are at the beach, on a sand bank, inlet,river mouth,creek, someones dock, on the boat whatever. If you bring trash to the beach you bring it right back to your house or wherever you came from.

It's something I don't like admitting but also something we must realize, Charleston gets A LOT of money from tourism. Sure all the history and houses and churches are all a great aspect to this city and it's something I care about just as much as anybody else. But the main thing is our BEACHES. Why would anyone want to come to the beach if the people that it matters the most to ME, YOU, US(locals) can't even keep it clean. Its a pretty dam cold winter up north and if I was there for it, I wouldn't be thinking about getting pulled around downtown by some mule. I would want my pale ass on the beach. So who wants to go to a beach when its covered in this...

Photo By: William Moore

That is my 2 1/2 hours on the beach. To you it may not look like much, but that is about fifty pounds of GLASS. Myrtle beach doesn't look so bad after all huh? Funk that. I don't want this junk on our beaches. I don't want to be picking this up everyday. I want everybody from anywhere to enjoy and see the same thing I see everyday. For OUR sake. I will leave it to PETA for the animals. There is toooo much fun to be had out there on the water or at the beach,DON'T RUIN IT ! So remember when your at the beach or anywhere else along these waters..... its alright to get drunk, but bring your trash back to the trunk!!PEACE

PS: Here is a little video that might help out all these snowbirds...

http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEASP18Xse4&feature=related

SEGWAY

If you are not familiar with the SEGWAY, it is a non balancing two wheeled scooter that tops out at about 12 miles per hour and makes you look really cool. It more or less looks like a tricked out granny walker or a souped up vacuum and is all the rave with not children but our honorable Charleston Police officers. I recently had a run in with one of these SEGWAY cops while I was getting pulled by Barkley on the skateboard through the markets...after stopping me we both came to realize that it wasn't me he was trying to stop. It was a little rose weaver who had sneaked a little bear claw in his hand full of sweet grass out of market street sweets and made a run for it.(usual suspect) after talking to the segway patrol I told him about my blog and asked if I could interview him...

ATB: Whats your name Sir?

Officer Schein, Raynor Schein.

ATB: uh, is that serious?

Officer Schein: Kid, check out the name tag you're in my jurisdiction now.

ATB: your right sir I apologize, is it OK if I ask a few questions about your segway?

Officer Schein: yeah yeah, as long as you don't touch motoneta I just waxed her up.

ATB: motoneta ?

Officer Schein: that's two wheeled scooter in Latin, what? they don't teach you that in your fancy college.

ATB: how long have you had motoneta ?

Officer Schein: Wellll its been roughly about a year or so since me and this ol' girl met. Ya know after yall stopped paying taxes on that stupid fish bowl you call an aquarium.(besides the otters) there cool, but that's it!

ATB: Can you tell some quick facts on your segway? I mean motoneta.

Officer Schein: Welllll this thing is a fully equipped crime fighting machine. It has a top speed of 12.5 miles per hour, but I uh put a little micro chip thingy on her which boosted her up to about 15-17 mph. Lucky for you punks haha. After you plug her in and charge her up, you can fight crime for about 2 hours, but I also got that extended battery life pack when that tax pay came in hah. So now she runs for about 3-4 hours. Oh yeah, so if she is fresh off the charger around 12-1 a.m. you little piss ants better not let me catch you run out of that "Silver Nickel." It responds on the flick of a wrist and carries ten pounds of cargo. So if I see any baby's with stolen lolly pops, there going to Leads ave. in the BIG CRIB and there ain't no latch opening that thing. Your gonna have to get the key out of my cold, dead, segway rippin hands. ha good luck

ATB: wowww, what's your average day like ?

Officer Schein: Welllll I wake up, put in 8 minute abs. Then I drink a couple dozen raw eggs with ONE shot of ground up hamburger meat. Ya know get the blood flowing. Get myself situated for the day, put on my uniform. Wax my badge,wax my visor on my helmet,and then wax up Motoneta. I get out there into all that DANGEROUS CRIME in CHARLESTON, arrest at least like 4 little Gullah kids for loitering in front of Market Street Sweets, couple baby's for crying, couple old lady's for walkin to slow,couple punk kids for skateboarding.Ya know the deal, wait speaking of which is that a skateboard?

ATB: Uhhhhh no that's my dog. peeeacceee Officer "Raynor Schein"

So yeah obviously I got away because the segway isn't the fastest hot pursuit vehicle known to police forces around the world. Investors have been spending about $100 million over the last decade for these goofy ass vacuums. So if you want to replace your 4,000 pound car to haul around your 150 pound ass. You can buy these things for the cheap price of $3,000 dollars. and also give up your tax money so we can provide our police force with them. Some times jokes just write themselves, peace.

Here are a few pictures.....

"THE TRIPOD" "THE FRONT LINE" "SEGWAY POLO"


"THE INNOVATOR" "OFFICER SCHEIN"

"ALMOST BUSH PROOF" "WALK THE BABY"