SEGWAY

If you are not familiar with the SEGWAY, it is a non balancing two wheeled scooter that tops out at about 12 miles per hour and makes you look really cool. It more or less looks like a tricked out granny walker or a souped up vacuum and is all the rave with not children but our honorable Charleston Police officers. I recently had a run in with one of these SEGWAY cops while I was getting pulled by Barkley on the skateboard through the markets...after stopping me we both came to realize that it wasn't me he was trying to stop. It was a little rose weaver who had sneaked a little bear claw in his hand full of sweet grass out of market street sweets and made a run for it.(usual suspect) after talking to the segway patrol I told him about my blog and asked if I could interview him...

ATB: Whats your name Sir?

Officer Schein, Raynor Schein.

ATB: uh, is that serious?

Officer Schein: Kid, check out the name tag you're in my jurisdiction now.

ATB: your right sir I apologize, is it OK if I ask a few questions about your segway?

Officer Schein: yeah yeah, as long as you don't touch motoneta I just waxed her up.

ATB: motoneta ?

Officer Schein: that's two wheeled scooter in Latin, what? they don't teach you that in your fancy college.

ATB: how long have you had motoneta ?

Officer Schein: Wellll its been roughly about a year or so since me and this ol' girl met. Ya know after yall stopped paying taxes on that stupid fish bowl you call an aquarium.(besides the otters) there cool, but that's it!

ATB: Can you tell some quick facts on your segway? I mean motoneta.

Officer Schein: Welllll this thing is a fully equipped crime fighting machine. It has a top speed of 12.5 miles per hour, but I uh put a little micro chip thingy on her which boosted her up to about 15-17 mph. Lucky for you punks haha. After you plug her in and charge her up, you can fight crime for about 2 hours, but I also got that extended battery life pack when that tax pay came in hah. So now she runs for about 3-4 hours. Oh yeah, so if she is fresh off the charger around 12-1 a.m. you little piss ants better not let me catch you run out of that "Silver Nickel." It responds on the flick of a wrist and carries ten pounds of cargo. So if I see any baby's with stolen lolly pops, there going to Leads ave. in the BIG CRIB and there ain't no latch opening that thing. Your gonna have to get the key out of my cold, dead, segway rippin hands. ha good luck

ATB: wowww, what's your average day like ?

Officer Schein: Welllll I wake up, put in 8 minute abs. Then I drink a couple dozen raw eggs with ONE shot of ground up hamburger meat. Ya know get the blood flowing. Get myself situated for the day, put on my uniform. Wax my badge,wax my visor on my helmet,and then wax up Motoneta. I get out there into all that DANGEROUS CRIME in CHARLESTON, arrest at least like 4 little Gullah kids for loitering in front of Market Street Sweets, couple baby's for crying, couple old lady's for walkin to slow,couple punk kids for skateboarding.Ya know the deal, wait speaking of which is that a skateboard?

ATB: Uhhhhh no that's my dog. peeeacceee Officer "Raynor Schein"

So yeah obviously I got away because the segway isn't the fastest hot pursuit vehicle known to police forces around the world. Investors have been spending about $100 million over the last decade for these goofy ass vacuums. So if you want to replace your 4,000 pound car to haul around your 150 pound ass. You can buy these things for the cheap price of $3,000 dollars. and also give up your tax money so we can provide our police force with them. Some times jokes just write themselves, peace.

Here are a few pictures.....

"THE TRIPOD" "THE FRONT LINE" "SEGWAY POLO"


"THE INNOVATOR" "OFFICER SCHEIN"

"ALMOST BUSH PROOF" "WALK THE BABY"